Entry 6

I was an opportunist. I positioned myself in situations that worked best for me. I was running from a reality that I didn't want anything to do with. I was scared of being the reflection. Scared of falling. Because everyone who I saw fall, never quite recovered. Not that anyone was truly honest about their fall. It was a weakness to fall, they thought. No one talked about well anything. Sex was taboo. Storks brought babies and if you even thought of the opposite sex you were deemed dirty, trifling, fast, and in some rare cases a whore! A whore from a natural thought. The foolery that was taught by words and even silence crippled me. It gave me a disadvantage and from that an ill informed young woman emerged. I was left alone to define my journey and when others saw me drifting in a not so right path, they just watched. Occasionally I would receive a scripture or a scolding about how I need to go to church because that has to be my problem. However, through it all that was my one constant...God. Looking back, I see how he kept me! What do you do when you're left to do it alone with no instructions? Imagine for a moment if someone was to place a box in front of you while you're outside on the beach and ask you to prepare it. Did I mention the box had no labels or instructions on it? Somehow, instinctively you're supposed to know what to do?! That's how I felt being a girl. I should have just known, but I didn't. I didn't know. I observed a lot. Read a lot of books and just stayed quiet. Which for that I then received the label of anti social. I was book smart which gave me the label of teachers pet. I had many home responsibilities which gave me the label of mature. I was hurting which gave me the label of crazy. One thing about pain, it's guaranteed to show up. I was misunderstood. Hell, I didn't understand me. So I wrote. The pen was my friend. There were a lot of casualties during this time. Some that are forever buried and for them my heart aches. But you know in every tragedy God has a BUT...