I am Not your slave 2

The Lord didn't pull me from the foot of a man so that he can walk all over me. Nor from his eyes where I may sit in his judgement. Nor his mouth where he can spew words of hatred. Nor from his hands where he can take authority over me. But his side. His rib. His covering. We must submit to each other. Honor each other. I am Not your slave.

I am Not your slave

What is happiness really? This question won't be the same for everyone, since most of us has different perspectives. However, I still ask the question. I once thought that having kids and a husband would complete me; boy was I wrong. It wasn't until I experienced painful loss, and many dead end relationships that I realized I needed to be a whole person entering into a relationship. It was too much to ask the other person to complete me, when they themselves were incomplete. I struggled with this for awhile. I struggled to gain control over situations that I had no power in. I searched for love in empty eyes, and rested my vision on death ears. I wanted more. I wanted happy and instead of voiding my dead places, I nourished them, so weeds began to grow. When I was a kid I loved seeing the dandelions. They represented Spring (my version of happy). I knew when I saw them the warm months were here to stay, but it wasn't until I became older that I realized that beautiful dandelions was a weed. It was nice to look at from afar but they didn't offer real substance. Lately I've been observing the people in my life and asking the question: Whose the dandelion? Who has positioned themselves in my Spring but offers no substance? Whose pretending to be my happy? Then I looked at me. Am I nourishing dead things inside of me? (Thoughts,  jobs, people, fears, frustrations?) Am I my weed? What do I need to uproot? The beauty about self examination is the process of unveiling you. Every flaw, every disappointment, every frustration, every hurt, every battle lost, every thing that tries to sabotage your happy.  

Lately I've been wondering if marriage is for me. I mean I have pondered on this deeply. Life has taught me that you never stop learning and growing. Once you reach your goals doesn't mean you're complete. It just opens the door for your more. Marriage is a beautiful sentiment. I've seen some wonderful, love infused couples and have secretly wanted to know their secret. I've even asked some older couples...what's the secret? Their response disappointed me. For the most part they shared their wisdom from their perspectives. Because honestly people only can give you their own view of something from their experiences. What they described, I don't want. It sounded more like a master slave agreement than a marriage (merger). I'm not a woman who believes that 'I am woman. Hear me roar', but I am a Woman. I don't believe that just because you take care of the bills, provide shelter, and food than somehow my role in your life is lower in value. As a husband those are things that I expect. It's not a trade off, you do this-i do that. No. It's love, it's respect, it's my safe place, it's my protection, it's my unconditional, it's my trust, it's my heart. I'm careful not to covet others marriages. Some are like the dandelion that I once admired as kid. Beautiful from a distance but once you get up close and personal, it's just a weed. I want my more. And I'm wondering if I can give more to someone while still pushing to be better. I'm trying but my efforts are coming up short. Quick question: Should I diminish my stature in order for him to feel more of 'the man'? I'm curious. Life is a constant learning ground and I'm here to grow. Be better. Love him with my complete self but I must say that I Am Not Your Slave. I'm a Wife. What's your definition of husband? Of Wife? Talk to me...

A changed mind.

I've been stuck in complacent for too long. Consistently repeating in memory every thing that went wrong. Careful to underline the what ifs. Angered by the what ifs. Now here's the shift. I decided to change my mind. My definition of happy no longer resembles what was taught to me. I'm free of the blemishes, the guilt, and shame that comes when you step outside of the lines that are deemed acceptable. I'm a different picture.