Entry 15

He was dreamy. His eyes smiled and when he looked at me his whole world lit up. I felt safe with him. When we were together, I mattered. I belonged. He made me feel like I was the most beautifulest woman in the world. This was new for me and I wasn't sure it was real but I didn't want to screw it up. I wanted to see where this could go but there was just one problem, I was pregnant. I wanted to tell him when we first set our eyes on each other again but I was scared that he'd walk away. The connection that I felt with him was unexplainable. So I stayed quiet and our bond grew. We became so conjoined that one day I went over to his house and never left. I moved in. It was the day before Valentine's Day, I felt bad about not telling him my secret. Since I was not showing yet it was easy for me to stay silent but I worried that soon I would blow up and it would all blow up in my face. Please understand that I didn't mean to not tell him but it never seemed like the right time. However the day before Valentines Day I couldn't stay quiet any longer. I had packed my things and was prepared for the worst. He came home and I told him. What a relief it was to finally let him know... I guess. He flipped. I don't quite remember all of the details but I do remember some curse words, a really angry face, and a slam of the door. He hated me. I knew I should be gone when he got back but I couldn't move. I wanted him to know that I was sorry. I was sorry. Really I was. What had I done?! Why didn't I tell him sooner?! I was 4-5 months pregnant at the time, why didn't I say something sooner?! Now what?!

Entry 14

I left. I'm no longer a traveling saleswoman, nope, I'm just a pregnant teenager ready to get it right this time. My mom told me that the guy who I was pregnant by before I left, the one where I miscarried, yea him, she said that he called. I was excited to hear that. I really liked him. Our timing was just off. I didn't even have a number to call him back. In the meantime I need to decide what am I going to do with myself. This was a struggle because I never quite saw myself as being anything but a wife and a mother. Of course I love to write, but in my vision I was a wife, a mother, and a creative writer. Which meant I stayed at home and wrote short stories. Nothing fancy, very domestic. I dreamt of remodeling our home and taking our kids to school and cooking dinner, cleaning the house, domesticated. That's all I saw. What I've learned is that sometimes you have to change the way you see you. This was a lonely time for me because I was the only one who could fix me. I had to change my mind. Which took many years to discover. Outside I appeared strong but on the inside I was desperate for someone anyone to throw me a lifeline. Then he called...

Entry 13

The one thing that I'm constantly struggling with is forgiveness. Not for others but for myself. I need to forgive me. Not only forgive me but also to accept me. You're not the world's definition of perfect and that's okay. But that's a lesson that will come later down the road. In the meantime I'm pregnant. Yup. Again. And guess what, this one stays. I have to grow up. I can't keep running from life, it's time for me to live it. Living for me begins now...

Entry 12

When is it okay to start accepting what's left? A dreamer with no vision is scary.
The saying goes 'when life gives lemons then make lemonade', but what if I'm not thirsty? What if I'm not hungry? What if I'm just here? Then what? Now what?

Entry 11...

Hey You!!! How are you today? It's tough isn't it; feeling like this, Incomplete, stupid, worthless, confused,and even ashamed? We'll get through this together. No matter what we win. We may have to start over and that's okay. But we can not stay here. Let's make a plan to move on and tell no one! Every time we discuss leaving to any one they always seem to convince us to stay. So let's keep this hush hush. We're better than what we're giving ourselves.