So who decides my properties value? (Speaking on houses but relating it to our person)

Too often I believe that we define ourselves by other people standards. While visiting different open houses I’ve found myself disappointed at not only the property but the value that was placed on the property. What the seller may advertise as ‘prime’ real estate, I see as garbage. After basking in that thought I found myself asking the question of me as a woman...’What’s my property value? and Who set the price? Am I settling for basic because I’m tired of being on the market; fearful that sitting too long empty will somehow make me less appealing to ideal mates, because they too are wondering why am I not taken? Or am I priced too high? Am I turn key or is there some remodeling that has to be done? Do I make the adjustments or do I leave it up to the buyer? What is my bottom line; my deal breaker? And should I consider taking myself off of the market and reassess my property? Women have a challenging task. We have to understand the game. Play the game. And pretend that no game exist. It’s frustrating when you want more but you’re not sure what your more looks like. I guess just like purchasing a home, you’ll know it when you see it... maybe.

Who Am I?

I’m a Christian. I believe in the Father Son and Holy Spirit. I believe that Jesus rose from the dead. I believe that He is the son of God. I’m not changing those beliefs nor will I force feed what I believe onto another. Aside from knowing that, the question still haunts my inquisitive nature...Who am I? This question has been a question that I’ve asked myself since I was younger girl. The question was aimed towards my biological roots. With all of this talk about Africa and slaves and natives and America, I wanted to know where did I fit in. However, whenever I asked around I got crickets. No one really knew how deep-my blood line went. Where did we come from besides from down south? What is my birth name? Who am I? So many movies depicting people of color travels from Africa to the New World, but which one of those persons was I connected to? Was I connected to any of them? How much did they pay for them? What were their mannerisms? How did they think? Were they forward moving, creating their own lanes or did they just fall in line? Who am I? Knowing who you are helps to define your journey. I need to know where I come from. Who I’m connected to? I need to know and understand my history so somethings won’t be repeated. What are my family’s secrets? What did they chose to forget? I need to know. I want to know. Who am I?

Lakita Speaks

I am Not your slave 2

The Lord didn't pull me from the foot of a man so that he can walk all over me. Nor from his eyes where I may sit in his judgement. Nor his mouth where he can spew words of hatred. Nor from his hands where he can take authority over me. But his side. His rib. His covering. We must submit to each other. Honor each other. I am Not your slave.

I am Not your slave

What is happiness really? This question won't be the same for everyone, since most of us has different perspectives. However, I still ask the question. I once thought that having kids and a husband would complete me; boy was I wrong. It wasn't until I experienced painful loss, and many dead end relationships that I realized I needed to be a whole person entering into a relationship. It was too much to ask the other person to complete me, when they themselves were incomplete. I struggled with this for awhile. I struggled to gain control over situations that I had no power in. I searched for love in empty eyes, and rested my vision on death ears. I wanted more. I wanted happy and instead of voiding my dead places, I nourished them, so weeds began to grow. When I was a kid I loved seeing the dandelions. They represented Spring (my version of happy). I knew when I saw them the warm months were here to stay, but it wasn't until I became older that I realized that beautiful dandelions was a weed. It was nice to look at from afar but they didn't offer real substance. Lately I've been observing the people in my life and asking the question: Whose the dandelion? Who has positioned themselves in my Spring but offers no substance? Whose pretending to be my happy? Then I looked at me. Am I nourishing dead things inside of me? (Thoughts,  jobs, people, fears, frustrations?) Am I my weed? What do I need to uproot? The beauty about self examination is the process of unveiling you. Every flaw, every disappointment, every frustration, every hurt, every battle lost, every thing that tries to sabotage your happy.  

Lately I've been wondering if marriage is for me. I mean I have pondered on this deeply. Life has taught me that you never stop learning and growing. Once you reach your goals doesn't mean you're complete. It just opens the door for your more. Marriage is a beautiful sentiment. I've seen some wonderful, love infused couples and have secretly wanted to know their secret. I've even asked some older couples...what's the secret? Their response disappointed me. For the most part they shared their wisdom from their perspectives. Because honestly people only can give you their own view of something from their experiences. What they described, I don't want. It sounded more like a master slave agreement than a marriage (merger). I'm not a woman who believes that 'I am woman. Hear me roar', but I am a Woman. I don't believe that just because you take care of the bills, provide shelter, and food than somehow my role in your life is lower in value. As a husband those are things that I expect. It's not a trade off, you do this-i do that. No. It's love, it's respect, it's my safe place, it's my protection, it's my unconditional, it's my trust, it's my heart. I'm careful not to covet others marriages. Some are like the dandelion that I once admired as kid. Beautiful from a distance but once you get up close and personal, it's just a weed. I want my more. And I'm wondering if I can give more to someone while still pushing to be better. I'm trying but my efforts are coming up short. Quick question: Should I diminish my stature in order for him to feel more of 'the man'? I'm curious. Life is a constant learning ground and I'm here to grow. Be better. Love him with my complete self but I must say that I Am Not Your Slave. I'm a Wife. What's your definition of husband? Of Wife? Talk to me...

A changed mind.

I've been stuck in complacent for too long. Consistently repeating in memory every thing that went wrong. Careful to underline the what ifs. Angered by the what ifs. Now here's the shift. I decided to change my mind. My definition of happy no longer resembles what was taught to me. I'm free of the blemishes, the guilt, and shame that comes when you step outside of the lines that are deemed acceptable. I'm a different picture. 

I'm not a Victim

One day while walking down judgement and critical people  blvd. I ran into you. It was only while saying our good byes that I realized the hidden tone that was laced in between your woven words of nothing. It hurt. Some one who I admired from a far thought so less of me. Your words sat with me for days. Penetrating my thoughts. Restructuring my style. Transforming my core. Your words had settled in. I began to own them as if they were my original thoughts. I slept with them. Woke up with them. But what's worse is i believed them. Until one day while walking, I walked past a mirror, and as I looked at the reflection I slowly stopped. Carefully examining the reflection that was before me, I began to weep. A low moan escaped my lips as my weeping turned into sobbing. It was in that moment I had realized what had happened. How could a strong willed, strong minded person allow anyone to influence how I see me? How did I become persuaded of someone else's theory of my life? My cries continued. I grieved for days, blaming myself. Fussing at my inner me. Disappointed with the betrayal. I hid, sunk into depression, then became what I told myself I'd never become... a victim.

My love letter to my pen...

I've been contemplating having this conversation for awhile. I'm not really sure where I shall begin. We've been seeing each other off and on for a good number of years and nothing truly has come from it. I like you sometimes but I love you always. How long will we continue this thing between us? I live in your shadow. Or you live in mines. I see your relationship with others and I'm a little jealous because that's supposed to be us! We make such great  music together yet lately our tunes been off. How do you explain that? Can you explain that? Is it explainable? I'm not sure. When I dream of what we could be my heart weeps. I need you but if I'm honest you don't need me. I believed that we would be great. What do you think? Am I alone in feeling this way? I want to walk away but I'm stuck. You keep calling me, playing with the idea of a happy ending. Yet we are not growing together. I want us to be great but maybe our greatness will shine once we are apart. But I don't wanna part, you're my heart...